i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
