i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
