His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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