He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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