Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize