Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
