well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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