the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
