nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
