im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
