we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
