Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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