2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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