He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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