Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
