I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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