The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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