My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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