my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
