Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
