I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
