i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
