It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
