On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We just shotgunned beers for America
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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