i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
