I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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