Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
