I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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