Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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