i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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