i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Jerry, you need to find god
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
