oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Randomize
