I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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