he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
