im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
