I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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