If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
