Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
