i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
