What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize