Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
