remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
