And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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