Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
