FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
