Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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