thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
