omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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