Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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