I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
