I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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