so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
