i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
