as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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