five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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