someone threw a dead crab at me
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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