btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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