I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize