watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
