She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
