The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Please don't give away my fajitas
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
