Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize