I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Pants are for mortals
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
