pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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